Scars
by All-Things-TMNT
Summary: Weeks after the events of Trust, Raphael still struggles to accept everything that happened. And when he finally reaches his tipping point, what can he do to take the pain away? Sequel to Trust, multiple P.O.V.'s.
1. Chapter 1

This was it, there was no turning back for me at this point.  
I wasn't trying to think, just trying to ran faster and faster.  
Nothing was going to stop me this time. Absolutely nothing.  
The others, they didn't get it. They never did.  
Not the way that I did, and this was going to help them understand.  
This was going to help me feel better.  
Splinter was wrong, Leo was wrong, all of them were wrong.  
And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why they couldn't understand it.  
Once it's gone, itisn't something so easily regained.  
**_Trust_**is almost impossible to rebuild once it's been destroyed.

*****Post ****_Trust_****,****_ post Slash and Destroy_**_.___

_"I learned that no matter what it means," Leo said. "Master Splinter is going to do whatever he thinks is right for us. I __**trust**__ him, Raph, and you should too. He's our father. Regardless of what happened then, tonight, and what happens tomorrow, I'll always __**trust**__ him. There's a point to everything he does, and when he see's it fit, he'll explain it to us too."  
I could only stare at him, speechless.  
I wasn't really staring at his face…no, I was staring at the slash in his shoulder.  
It was fucking dripping blood as he sat there on Donnie's lab table. He didn't seem to notice it at all.  
In fact, he didn't seem to care at all, because he pushed himself up and off of the makeshift bed.  
What the fuck was he doing?  
"It's okay, Raph," he said walking past me. "__**Trust **__me, and think about what I said."  
"Leo, dude, you're bleeding!" I said as I was turning to face him. "I need to get Donnie back in here to-"  
I chocked on the air. Leo was standing with Splinter, and both were facing me. All the while, Leo was still bleeding from his shoulder where he got hit by Karai…was he bleeding more?  
"Leo, what are you doing?" I barked. "Get the fuck away from him."  
I glared at Splinter, then back at Leo's wound. My eyes were constantly back and fourth between the two.  
Splinter's hand landed lightly on Leo's shoulder, still gushing out blood.  
I stood there, watching my older brother bleed to death in front of our father who was the cause.  
What the fuck was even happening?  
"Leo," I could barely speak, I was too freaked out at this point. "Leo, you need help, you're bleeding way too much. We need to get Donnie in here and-"  
"__**Trust**__ me, Raph, it's okay," was all he said.  
Out of nowhere, Splinter pulled out a sword and raised it above Leo's head.  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I demanded.  
My hands shot to my belt for my Sais. They weren't there. I had no way to save Leo…  
"__**Trust**__ me," was all Leo said.  
I watched completely frozen in place as he drove the blade into Leo's shoulder.  
Leo's eyes went wide as he crumpled to the floor beneath him. I couldn't force myself to look away. Splinter didn't even take the sword out of him…  
"__**Trust**__ me, Raph," Leo said as he fell face first.  
And he was dead. I knew he was fucking dead. I had just watched my father kill my older brother._

_I screamed. I struggled to stay standing and I screamed words I'd never said in the presence of my father before.  
Wait, no…I had said things like this to Splinter…hadn't I? I knew I did, I knew that something wasn't right. That there was something I wasn't remembering. The sight of my brother dead at the feet of our father was literally blocking every memory I was trying to call back.  
Above the confusion, the sadness, and the shock, there was pure, untouchable hatred, anger.  
I was going to fucking kill Splinter, right then and there. I was going to pull that sword out of Leo and kill Splinter…as soon as I could force myself to move.  
With every passing second, I felt my body tense up, ready to work again.  
I slid one foot back, ready to jump into a sprint…  
"You cannot kill me, Raphael," Splinter read my thoughts. "__**Trust**__ me, my son, you cannot kill me."  
His words pushed me over the edge, and the fact that he had the audacity to call me his son fueled the fire of my hatred.  
"__**Trust**__ me," he repeated Leo's words.  
All this fucking __**trust**__ bullshit. I didn't __**trust**__ him, I could never __**trust**__ him again.  
Not after what he did.  
But it was like he knew something, like he knew I couldn't kill him for some reason.  
I was going to prove him wrong.  
"__**Trust**__ me," he said again.  
My body sprang forward, and I grabbed that sword from Leo's shoulder as gently as I could. Not that it mattered anymore…  
Splinter kept his eyes on me as I charged towards him, not prepared to defend in anyway.  
It didn't matter that he'd raised me, that he was my father. I sure as hell wasn't his son anymore.  
"You don't deserve my __**trust**__," I screamed at him as I stabbed the blade straight for his heart.  
But with all the rage I felt, I still had to close my eyes so I wouldn't see the sword actually pierce him._

***  
There was never an impact as I kept my eyes shut. I never felt the sword I was holding hit anything.  
In fact…I didn't feel the sword in my hands anymore.  
I took the chance and slowly opened my eyes. The ceiling of my bedroom greeted me, slightly illuminated by the dim glow from my Jack-o'-lantern lamp.  
_Fuck, not again_.  
I'd been having the same nightmare every time I slept since that night.  
_That horrible night from hell_.  
My hand automatically fell on Spike's bed that I kept on the nightstand next to my bed. Even though it was empty, I was hoping that touching it would bring me some form of calmness. It only hurt worse.  
When I had that dream, it felt so real, and I believed it every single time. What sucked the most was that I couldn't wake up during the horrible part, when Leo would actually die. Logic told me maybe the pain of seeing that would shock me awake. No, I had to wake up right before the only good part would happen: when I would get to teach Splinter a lesson, make him pay for what he did.  
In the three months since that night, so much had happened: Karai had actually captured Leo, which was a whole new hell scenario for me, and thank God we got him back unharmed. (And for whatever reason I will never understand, Leo and Splinter only seemed closer after that night. It was like the fact that Splinter let him get so hurt didn't matter). We battled Donnie's giant tub of slime when it went after April. Mikey exposed himself to mutagen and got sick, April came back and made peace with us, and Spike had mutated himself into Slash, the demon turtle from hell who wanted my brothers dead and expected me to be okay with that.  
But at the heart of all of that, one thing really stuck out. With every day that passed since the night Karai almost killed Leo, I became more and more distant from my family, but mostly Splinter.  
I just…I couldn't understand how they'd all moved on. I sure as hell hadn't.  
At one point, I tried just completely disrespecting Leo's orders and not listening to him. My theory was if I didn't obey his commands, he wouldn't have to get hurt trying to save me. Donnie and Mikey played a long, either because they were afraid of defying me, or because they thought the same way I did. In fact, part of me wanted Leo to hate me, just so he wouldn't want to risk himself for me anymore. That only ended up getting him kidnapped by Karai and almost taken out _again_ by her new stupid robot toys.  
I thought maybe Leo got over it because he had to be the perfect student and the perfect son, and perfection doesn't allow for you to stray away from your Sensei no matter what. Another part of me thought it had something to do with the fact that they had some super secret conversation the night we saved Leo from Karai the second time. He seemed pretty shaken up after that, but went back into perfect mode almost immediately afterwards. Like, the morning after. That night when I saw him leaving the dojo, he just looked so pale in the face and like he was going to throw up. When Mikey asked him what was wrong, he told us 'nothing' and went straight to his room where he locked the door. He stayed in there all throughout the night, and he even missed our morning workout.  
At first I thought he finally maybe confronted Splinter about some hidden feelings of betrayal about the whole event, but no. Whatever conversation they had stayed strictly between them; Donnie, Mikey and I never got the privilege of knowing. And somehow it seemed like Leo and Splinter were closer than ever after those few hours of isolation.  
It was sickening.  
Had they all forgotten what happened that night?  
The fact that Splinter disarmed Leo, and ended up letting him get stabbed by Karai? My brothers and I racing across the city to get Leo home before he bled to death? Taking on the Shredder without Leo? …_Until Splinter intervened and drew him away from us?_  
…Okay, I guess I somewhat respected him for that…but it was nowhere near enough for me to acknowledge that in any way. The whole thing was his fault, and the night didn't end there.  
From that point, we got Leo home only to discover that he was basically already dead.  
And I remembered it, those moments when I thought my brother was gone.

***  
_"Guys…"Donnie's voice was barely audible as Mikey and I kicked things out of the way so we could carry Leo. "Leo's not breathing."  
The whole entire world fucking froze, and I swear that my heart had stopped with him. I remember feeling cold, like I was frozen in place. I remember I was so much more aware of everything around me.  
I could hear Mikey's sharp intake of air. I could see Leo's chest perfectly still. I could feel my heart rate sporadically beat out of control.  
Then everything was in fast motion.  
I jumped to Leo's side, Donnie unable to move yet.  
My hands we on Leo's shoulders and I was shaking him frantically.  
"Don't you dare be dead, Leonardo!" I screamed at him. "You wake the fuck up and come back to us!"  
The next thing I knew, Donnie's hands were on top of my own, guiding them to the center of Leo's chest.  
"CPR, NOW," was all he said before taking off like a bat out of hell exiting the Shellraiser.  
I started pushing up and down without wasting another second.  
Mikey collapsed into heavy sobs on the ground behind me, but I paid him no attention. Leo was the only one that mattered.  
"Fuck, fuck, fuck…" I muttered to myself as I realized I wasn't accomplishing anything.  
Every pump I did on Leo's chest was useless. His body was like ice, his skin was a weird chalky green color and I could not get his heart to beat.  
My brother was dead, but I refused to give up.  
"Fuck, c'mon, Leo!" I begged him, starting to get frantic. "I need you to breathe, I need your heart to start pumping, ANYTHING!"  
I was being way to rough and way too fast. My emotions were taking over as I desperately performed CPR on my older brother.  
I couldn't accept that he was gone, not after growing up with him. Not after all that he did for me. Not with the way I often treated him, and never had apologized for it. Not after this night…  
Tears were spilling out of my eyes as my hands kept going. I couldn't force them to stop, though clearly there was nothing I could do.  
"Leo, Leo," I whispered to him. "Please…"  
"MOVE!" Donnie's voice exploded from behind me.  
He crashed into me knocking me out of the way and threw some giant box with wires and buttons and two pad things attached to it. He started hooking Leo up to all of these wires and Donnie looked insanely frantic.  
"Donnie, what are you-" I started to ask, but immediately stopped myself.  
Holy fuck…I knew what the box thing was.  
A defibrillator, and an already-flat lining heart monitor.  
I didn't even know we had one, and I did not want to watch Donnie use it, but I couldn't take my eyes off of Leo.  
I heard a strange, escalating screech as Donnie rubbed the pads together, charging them.  
"Come on…" Donnie whispered to himself.  
I think he was trying to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to do…  
He shoved the pads down onto Leo's plastron, and Leo's body jumped. I watched him for any signs of improvement. No effect, he remained completely still.  
It was so fucked up to see, I couldn't bare to watch it happen again, but I had to. And I couldn't imagine being in Donnie's position, actually doing it…  
I was holding my breath as Donnie began to rub the shock pads together once again.  
"Donnie, STOP!" Mikey wailed hysterically from the corner.  
I had completely forgotten Mikey was watching this too, and I couldn't imagine how badly this was fucking him up…  
"COME ON!" Donnie roared, ignoring Mikey's plea and pressed those pads on Leo again.  
God, the way his body spazzed…it made me want to hurl. I snapped my eyes shut, unable to see it happen a third time and trying to hold all those tears in.  
There was an eerie silence as Donnie waited to see the result of his second attempt. I waited to here him charge them up again. I wondered how many times I could let him try before I would have to tear him away from Leo and tell him there was nothing that we could do.  
A beeping sound. A slow, rhythmic beeping sound took over the silence.  
It was so faint, but it was the loudest noise in the whole world at the same time…  
I chanced it, and opened my eyes to see that the little heart monitor that Donnie had attached to Leo wasn't just a flat line anymore.  
It had a pulse; a faint, weak pulse.  
Leo had a pulse; a faint, weak pulse.  
I let out the breath I had been holding.  
There was so much tense stillness as the three of us stared at that little heartbeat, at our brother's life.  
I'm not a soft person, but I will always think that the little heartbeat I saw on that screen was the most beautiful thing in the entire world, the entire universe, and the entire megaverse.  
"Guys, c'mon, move!" Donnie sprang back into action. "We're not through yet."  
Donnie and I, as quickly and gently as we possibly could, grabbed Leo and made a mad dash for his lab.  
Mikey stayed in the Shellraiser, probably too spooked to move right away.  
But he was instantly out f sight, out of mind.  
My brother was still dying in my arms, and I didn't know if we could bring him back a second time if we needed to._

I was done with the flashbacks. All they did was make me angry and upset and just fucking depressed.  
I sat up and rubbed my eyes, reaching for my mask behind Spike's old bed. Tying it tightly around my head, I checked my alarm clock.  
It was 10:43 in the morning…_opps_. I missed morning training.  
Not that I really gave a shit if it bothered Splinter anymore.  
This wasn't the first time I had missed it. My sleep pattern had gotten really messed up with all the nightmares. I slept through training quite a few times in the weeks after that night.  
The first few times I missed, Splinter tried to approach me about it, but I didn't give him any attention. After a few vain attempts, he just sorta gave up. I think he finally took the hint.  
I took a deep breath, not really wanting to get out of bed. The smell of Mikey's cooking filled my room, and I realized I was hungry.  
So I forced myself up and walked into the kitchen, taking my seat at the table. Donnie and Mikey were in there.  
"Morning," I said as I sat down.  
I wasn't as mad at them as I was at Splinter and Leo. There was no sense in trying to pick a fight with them.  
Donnie can get pretty feisty, and Mikey…well, if you make Mikey cry, there are few things in the world that hurt less.  
Taking a sword to the chest and letting your son do that are not two of those things.  
God was I bitter about it…  
Both of them knew I was still weird about the whole thing, so they never really brought it up. They just lived with it. How, I didn't know. Why, I didn't understand.  
"Morning," Donnie muttered, not really paying attention to me, focused on his mutagen scanner.  
Mikey had been messing around and dropped it on the floor. He damaged a part of it and Donnie freaked out. Seriously, though, the thing was messed up. It started telling us there was mutagen in the microwave. So Donnie had spent the last three days fixing it, obsessed. Either that, or he just couldn't take it going off every five minutes.  
"Good morning, Raph!" Mikey practically sang, dropping a plate before me.  
I looked down to see what I assumed was pizza...but it also looked like an egg, toast, bacon…  
"Uh," I took a fork and poked Mikey's creation. "What exactly is this?"  
"Breakfast pizza, bro!" Mikey chimed proudly, settling into his own seat. "It's all of the things you love about breakfast with all of the greatness that is pizza! It's a masterpiece."  
He passed a plate to Donnie who took one look at it, rolled his eyes, and went back to work. He also placed a plate at Leo's empty seat.  
I watched as Mikey raised his piece to his mouth about to bite it. His looked different than mine…and I did not want to watch him eat it.  
"How did you make this?" I asked, not too eager to eat it right away.  
Mikey froze, and his eyes beamed with excitement. He was so proud of what he had made, and I was about to hear a monologue…  
"Simple, bro," he crossed his arms with a smug look. "I've been studying what all of you guys like to eat the most for breakfast. And after weeks of intent study, I used my creative genius to engineer the most awesome pizzas dedicated to each of us!  
"I like pancakes, waffles, and doughnuts the best, so that's what's on my pizza! With extra syrup dipping sauce, of course! It's a masterpiece, the perfect balance of deliciousness and awesomeness."  
I stared at him, pretty grossed out. He didn't let my look deter him.  
"Donnie likes fruit, so that's what's on his pizza. And sometimes he makes smoothies in the morning, so I made him a smoothie to dip it in…"  
He leaned in close to me.  
"The dipping sauce is just more fruit pizza," he whispered.  
"I heard you, Mikey," Donnie said.  
Mikey leaned back, stuck his tongue out at Donnie and continued.  
"I know how much you like bacon and eggs with toast, so…that would be your pizza!"  
I looked down, relieved my pizza didn't have any abnormality like fruit or doughnuts on it. So I just started dissecting it, pulling it apart so I could eat what was there. It was still breakfast…just in a different way.  
"And last, for Leo, who likes his lame _Space Heroes_ cereal, I made his cereal pizza. His took my the longest, I had to debate on whether or not to take out the marshmallows, but I left them on. The more the better, right?"  
"It's 'the more the merrier,' Mikey," Donnie corrected him.  
"Whatever…" Mikey sighed. "And I made a big space ship on his pizza with the other pieces of cereal. HE's gonna love it!"  
"Mhmm," I mumbled, focused on trying to salvage my breakfast. "Where is Leo anyway?"  
"He's still in the dojo," Mikey settled back into his chair to eat.  
"Leo and Splinter are meditating," Donnie added.  
"You know," Mikey commented "He and Splinter seemed a little weird this morning in training…"  
"How so?" I looked up while stuffing my mouth with the bits of scrambled egg I'd detached from the pizza.  
All in all, Mikey was a good cook. He just made some interesting dishes sometimes.  
"Well, you'd know if you bothered to wake up for morning training every once in a while," Donnie said, looking at me.  
I swallowed hard. Donnie knew better than to aggravate me, didn't he?  
"Yeah well," I sighed. "Hard to respect a guy who almost let your brother get killed."  
"Raph, don't you know what today's date is?" Donnie asked.  
He put down his mutagen tracker and focused directly on me. This was a serious matter, apparently.  
"The 18th?" I asked.  
"No, today would be the-"  
"The 21st!" Mikey exploded.  
Donnie rolled his eyes again and nodded.  
"Yes, the 21st of February."  
Hah, my little brother never missed an opportunity to be right when he could.  
"So what does that have to do with Splinter and Leo?" I wondered aloud.  
"Not so much Leo," Donnie pointed out. "I think he's just trying to be there for Sensei. Today would have been his daughter, Miwa's 16th birthday."  
"Oh," was all I could say.  
I'm not a completely heartless person. I'm tough, but I'm not heartless.  
Splinter lost his family in his human life, and I had always respected that. But this year, I couldn't force myself to feel bad about it. Maybe I was heartless, but you know, seeing your father let your brother almost die might just do that to ya.  
And thinking Leo was dead did basically rip my heart out.  
So I just continued chewing my food, hoping we wouldn't have to talk about 'poor' Splinter anymore. It was apparent his feelings were more important than my own, anyway.  
It was obvious that I was so distant towards him, yet none of my brothers talked to me about it.  
Not even Leo…who walked into the room the second I thought about him.  
"Hey guys," he greeted all of us.  
"How's Sensei?" Donnie asked, picking back up his mutagen scanner.  
Well, I guess it wasn't a topic we were going to drop so easily, because life has a way of bringing up the things you want to avoid.  
Maybe that was karma…not that I had done anything to deserve any bad karma.  
…Okay, I unintentionally sent a mutant assassin turtle after my brothers, but it was unintentional, and we all made it out.  
Leo took his seat across from me and my eyes instantly fell to his collarbone. My fists balled out of habit.  
Leo's shoulder, where Karai had stabbed him, was covered in **_scars_**.  
And it hurt so bad, every time I saw them.  
"Same as he is every year," Leo answered, inspecting his plate. "Mikey, why is my _Space Heroes_ cereal on this pizza?"  
I tuned out the conversation, not ready to listen to Mikey's explanation of the birth of "breakfast pizza" again.  
I could not take my eyes off of Leo's **_scars_**. It was the same way every time I saw him now. My eyes stayed locked on the mark that would forever remind me of that night.  
One night, I asked Donnie if they'd ever go away. He told me they would fade, but they were permanent. _Great_.  
"Right…" Leo finally said. "I'm not really hungry…Anyways, I think we should do our best to distract Sensei today, guys."  
I almost snorted. Like he deserved to feel any better about the day. I didn't know Miwa, but my brother was more important to me than she was.  
_Alright, maybe I am heartless._  
"He does seem to have it worse this year than any other year," Donnie said. "Any ideas why?"  
Leo tensed. I swear, I fucking saw him tense.  
He knew the reason why, but he wasn't going to fucking tell us. Especially since Mikey and Donnie didn't see it happen. But I didn't expect anything less from Splinter's perfect student and apparent favorite.  
Part of me was beginning to believe that Leo was getting all this attention because it was supposed to make up for what happened; it was supposed to erase those **_scars_**.  
But all forms of **_scars_** are permanent, and Leo was an idiot for taking that bait.  
"I got nothing," Mikey said after he finished drinking the syrup from his cup.  
"I think after a while, the loss is just wearing on him," Leo muttered, poking his pizza with a fork.  
I wanted to challenge him on it, I wanted to call him out of knowing, but I kept my mouth shut.  
I waited to see if he had the guts to tell us.  
"I think we should go back for more training, though," Leo told us. "It's a good way to distract Sensei because he's monitoring and judging us when he's doing that."  
"Hm," Donnie pursed his lips. "That's actually not a bad idea."  
"If it makes him feel better, I'm down," Mikey said, now licking the empty syrup cup. "But if I get hit, I won't make you anymore breakfast pizza since it was your idea, Leo."  
"I think I can accept that, Mikey," Leo laughed.  
He then turned to face me. I quickly averted my eyes, trying not to let him know what I was staring at.  
"You good, Raph?" he asked me, smiling sadly.  
He was being gentle with me. He had been doing that ever since that night. He knew it fucked me up, though he never directly approached me about it. He just gave me little signs, like those guilt-ridden smiles, trying to let me know that it was okay.  
But it was not okay, and it never would be.  
Still, I couldn't be hard on the guy; he almost died for me…three times? Four?  
_Shit_.  
The fact that I was losing count was really unsettling, and my sudden realization weighed down on me like four tons of invisible weight on my shoulders.  
Suddenly, I was suffocating. There wasn't enough air in the room.  
I tried not to, I really did, because I know he was looking at me, but my eyes fell back to Leo's shoulder anyway.  
He instantly frowned and turned away so I couldn't see them anymore.  
"Sure," I somehow managed to answer.  
Did I want to go in the room and train feeling like this? _No_. Did I want to do anything to help Splinter in any way possible? _Absolutely not_.  
Did I need to get out of that kitchen and breathe? _Yes. One thousand times yes_.  
I was the first of them to move out of the room. I shot up from my seat and walked out the door, but waited to follow them into the dojo.  
Splinter sat in his usually spot under the tree in the dojo in his meditative position. All four of us walked to our usual spots in front of him.  
They all automatically kneeled before him. I was hesitant, but I did so.  
I remembered briefly how when Leo had woken up, and Splinter had come home, he asked to speak to Leo alone. And Leo asked me to leave the room. I knew Leo was watching, and Donnie had always told me it was best never to upset an injured person. So I bowed (sort of) to Splinter as I was leaving the room. I was nowhere near forgiving him, I just did that for Leo's sake. I put on a show.  
"Sensei," Leo bowed slightly in the respectful way, making me want to hurl.  
He opened his eyes to look at all of us, and his eyes went wide when he saw me in the room. I only narrowed my eyes at him, hoping he could understand this was for Leo and in no way for him.  
I think he did, because there was sadness in his eyes. Not sadness for the family he had lost 15 years ago. Sadness for the son he had lost in the present day.  
Me.  
"We were kind of hoping we could continue training today," Leo said, concern laced his tone in the awkward silence.  
I saw Leo's eyes follow Splinter's gaze to me, so I quickly looked away at the wall.  
Splinter sighed. What a fucking asshole. I knew he was sad, but seriously? We were just trying to cheer him up, and he was being totally ungrateful.  
I felt anger building up in me.  
No, I felt anger _overflowing_ in me. I'd been holding in all of these thoughts and feelings for weeks with no outlet since Spike was gone.  
And that was the moment I realized, I _hated_ Splinter for all he had done.  
I didn't think this level of hatred was even possible. I didn't know how all this rage was still inside of me and not spilling out all over the floor.  
I simply balled my fists, not giving any signs of the war now raging inside of my head. The battle of countless emotions that was destroying me, rotting me from within.  
Fuck, was that dark…  
"Very well," I almost missed when Splinter finally spoke.  
My head was too full of the internal screaming.  
I just looked at the floor, surprised it wasn't bursting into flames with all the animosity I was glaring at it with.  
"We will work in pairs," he instructed us.  
_Fuck, do not pair me with Leo_…  
I was going to have a difficult time not murdering whoever I was up against, and I knew seeing Leo's **_scars_** dead in front of me when I was feeling like this was going to break down every wall I had struggling to keep those emotions inside of me.  
"Leonardo and Michelangelo will fight," Splinter said.  
I felt myself release a breath I didn't even realize I'd been holding.  
And I could feel all of the eyes in the room on me. So I kept my eyes locked on that floor.  
"Donatello, you are with Raphael."  
"Uh, can I fight somebody else?" Donnie asked awkwardly.  
I did not look up, but I knew they could read my body language; my balled fists, the sweat I was starting to feel bead on my face. Or the tension that was rolling off of my shell…  
They knew I was at a dangerous level. I had to convince them otherwise.  
"Scared I'll kick your shell?" I laughed a little too darkly.  
Well, I never was one for acting…but my taunt worked, and Donnie huffed.  
"No," he shot back, defending his name.  
We all got up and faced each other. I lead Donnie to the far side of the room. I wanted to be as far away from Splinter as possible, because I knew this night was just like _that _night, that moment when I could have killed Splinter without feeling bad about it.  
That bloodlust was coming back.  
Emotions are what power me. I feed off of my feelings in battle, they help me fight a lot more effectively. Hell, they help me do a lot more damage.  
And now, I was going to have to use every ounce of my strength to fight against my emotions, and keep them from hurting Donnie.  
"Hajime," Splinter called.  
It didn't take me long to take down Donnie. For being the family genius, he sure didn't wise up to my "go-to-take-Donnie-down" strategy in training exercises.  
I dodged his Bo Staff, grabbed his wrists with my Sais, and pinned him down quickly, with the least amount of aggression I could use. Anything more, and I probably would have broken the guy's neck…  
"Ow!" Donnie called when he hit the ground.  
I didn't think he was hurt, I mean I really didn't hit him too hard, just mad that he lost. Donnie rarely ever took me down.  
We both looked up to see the results of Mikey and Leo's match.  
Leo was only using one blade, (which he was doing more and more now) and Mikey had it wrapped up with his Kusarigama.  
First of all, that wasn't something Leo would let happen. Something was up. I watched intently as I let Donnie get up.  
Mikey yanked Leo's Katana away, and swung the chain to wrap it around Leo. Leo struggled to get out of the chain, and Mikey pulled him in.  
And I watched as Mikey slammed Leo onto the ground.  
Leo's eyes widened as he hit the ground with a thud, gasping at the force our baby brother had taken him down with. I think he got the wind knocked out of him…?  
It didn't matter, because I had lost all the control of my body and I just wanted to save Leo…from our baby brother who wasn't a threat to Leo at all.  
I literally couldn't convince myself of that, and I couldn't stop myself.  
The only thing I did was toss my Sais away so I wouldn't _seriously_ hurt Mikey.  
"WHAT THE FUCK, MICHELANGELO?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, charging at him.  
He didn't even have time to turn and look over at me fully before I tackled him.  
I pinned him down on the ground as soon as we stopped rolling and glared at him with so much anger, it probably could have melted his face off or something.  
"What Raph?!" he cried, terrified.  
Tears were pooling in his eyes and he looked so afraid of me. Normally that would have destroyed me.  
But nothing could stop the anger I was feeling.  
"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HIT LEO LIKE THAT?!" I demanded.  
I was completely possessed by my inner demons. I could hear everything I was saying, and I wanted to stop. I wanted to get off of Mikey and apologize…but the anger I felt, it had to come out.  
I was just sorry it had to be on Mikey and not Splinter…  
"Raph, get off of him!" Leo boomed from a few feet behind me.  
I ignored him, and continued staring down Mikey like a fucking wild animal.  
"DID YOU FORGET EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR YOU?" I continued my rampage. "DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE FUCKING HIDEOUS **_SCARS_** HE CARRIES AROUND? THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE FOREVER, MIKEY, SO MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANNA TAKE LEO DOWN LIKE THAT, YOU'LL GIVE IT A FUCKING SECOND THOUGHT. IF YOU'RE EVEN CAPABLE OF THAT."  
Mikey was crying and squirming and fighting against my hold with everything he had. There was no way he could break out, though. I was much stronger.  
"RAPHAEL," Leo shouted nearly as loud as I did. "I SAID GET OFF OF MIKEY NOW."  
I still didn't listen. My crazy eyes found their way over to Donnie, who was still on the floor looking at me like he was petrified.  
"AND YOU," I screamed directly at him now. "IF YOUR SO FUCKING SMART, WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE THE FUCKING **_SCARS_** JUST GO AWAY? THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE THEM AND BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF WHAT HE FUCKING DID."  
I pointed over to Splinter, who was watching me. He had risen to his feet, but he was completely locked in place.  
"HOW DOES IT FEEL, SENSEI?" I used the proper respect for the first time in weeks, but in a mocking way. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOOK AT THOSE **_SCARS_** AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR THEM? THAT YOU ALMOST LET YOUR SON DIE WITHOUT ANY HESITATION? BUT THEN AGAIN, LOSING FAMILY IS WHAT YOUR BEST AT RIGHT?"  
Mikey tensed from under me, Donnie gasped from across the room, and Splinter collapsed onto the floor.  
I was fucking heartless, and because of that, I couldn't force myself to care about the statement I had just made.  
If it hurt as badly as it felt as great to say it, then I had delivered a fucking fatal blow.  
And yet, there was still so much anger, so much hatred in me. I wasn't done with my frenzy just yet…  
Arms wrapped around me, and pulled me off of Mikey. Suddenly, I was on the ground with Leo holding me down. And his **_scars_** were staring me right in the face.  
"That. Is. Enough. Raphael." Leo's voice was as sharp as a razor when he spoke.  
"No, Leo," I spit at him. "It was enough when that bastard fucking disarmed you in the middle of a battle to save our enemy."  
His eyes narrowed at me, something about him telling me I was wrong.  
Was he still on the fucking "she has good in her" thing? Or was this about his fucking morality? How he couldn't take a life, but he could willingly give up his own with no consequence? Were our feelings, _my feelings_, that unimportant to him?  
Regardless, I was stronger than Leo, too. And I pushed him off of me, standing up.  
"And you're too much of an idiot to realize that that rat over there wanted you to fucking die," I looked down at him on the ground. "You're too obsessed with being the fucking perfect son, the fearless leader, to realize that.  
"Well, I hope your fucking **_scars_** can teach you that. I hope every time you see them, they'll remind you of what you can't fucking understand. That piece of shit over there was willing to let you die, and that your life is worthless to him."  
With that, I stormed out of the dojo towards my bedroom. I left my family in that room to consider all of my words. Hopefully my brothers would fucking realize everything I had said was true.  
Impossibly, there was still anger left inside of me. Was there something I forgot to say?  
I didn't think I left anything out, and my family seemed pretty distraught when I left the room.  
There was something. Something I needed to do to get rid of these horrible feelings that were destroying me.  
I racked my brain for an answer as I marched across the lair.  
A light bulb suddenly went off in my head.  
And I never made it to my bedroom.

**_To be continued….._**


	2. Chapter 2

**Leonardo's P.O.V.**

His eyes were on fire as he shouted at all of us.  
All of us were frozen. No one in the room dared to move as Raph rampaged.  
And I was lost in my thoughts.  
For weeks I had watched my brother isolate himself more and more.  
I have always associated my brothers with different qualities, because, well, we're all drastically different.  
Mikey, my baby brother, I linked with happiness. It was close to impossible to ruin Mikey's near-constant good mood. He was the source of joy that kept our team, our _family_ together. When we didn't have Mikey, we were lost to the toxicity of me and Raph's bickering, and Donnie's choices to stay passive.  
Donnie was both optimism and determination. How he always worked at a situation until he got his desired outcome, how he never lost that endless source of hope he had. When I wanted to give up, I looked to Donnie for the inspiration I needed. Even in the most hopeless times, he always believed there was a way. And he never gave that up.  
Raph was completely different all together. He was pure emotion, complete sentimentality. His feelings fueled him, gave him power...but they also hindered him. He lacked the ability to be true to that part of himself. He couldn't be open, and it hurt him so much more than I think he'd ever realized.  
Until now.  
Ever since _that night_, so many things had happened, and I had watched my brothers face each situation with their characteristics.  
When I was taken by Karai-Miwa, Mikey's unpredictable nature, Donnie's hope, and Raph's care was what saved me, and helped me come up with the solution to defeating the Footbots.  
When Timothy broke out of Donnie's lab, it was Mikey's positivity, Donnie's determination, and Raph's concern that helped us get Timothy back before he did any serious damage.  
When Mikey got sick from his mutagen intake, it was his own drive, Donnie's intuition, and Raph's need to protect our baby brother that saved Mikey's life.  
When Karai- Miwa went after April again, it was Mikey's curiosity, Donnie's resolve and Raph's custody that helped us save her in the end.  
And when Spike went after our family, it was entirely Raph's love for us that helped him save us.  
He loved us so much, he was willing to throw away what he had with his best friend for the better interest of our safety.  
So many things had happened since that night Kar-MIWA almost killed me, and I watched it all weigh down on Raph.  
I watched it start to chip away at him bit by bit.  
And there was nothing I could do to stop it.  
At first, I had tried talking to him several times. Just sitting down with him and trying to do what Spike did for him: listen. It didn't take me long to realize that Raph was quite literally _appalled_ by the sight of me. Each time I would sit with him, he would inspect me, look extremely uncomfortable, and would make an excuse to leave.  
I didn't realize until after my fifth attempt that his eyes would fall onto my _**scars**_.  
When Donnie cleared me to remove the bandages I had to keep wrapped on them for weeks, I felt so relieved. It was so nice to not have to deal with the constant pressure of tight wrapping on my chest. I was happy, even with the hideous marks that would forever be a part of me.  
It wasn't until I saw how Raph reacted to the sight of them that I became self conscious. But it wasn't just him; no matter how much they tried to hide it, even Mikey, Donnie and Master Splinter's eyes would all linger below my shoulder for just a second too long.

***  
_"There's absolutely nothing you can do about...these?" I asked Donnie as I watched him mix another attempt at a retromutagen in the lab.  
My fingers subconsciously traced over the length of my __**scars**__.  
Donnie looked up at me from his beaker mixing chemicals, a sincere but sad smile etched on his face._  
_"They really don't look that bad, Leo..." he tried to lie._  
_"Yeah, that's why you guys always stare at them when you think I'm not looking..." I muttered._  
_"What?"_  
_"Nothing."_  
_There was an awkward pause between us then. I never felt awkward around my brothers until the first time I caught Mikey eyeing my __**scars**__._  
_These marks, they were ruining my life, and I couldn't do anything to make them go away. It was like a drunk tattoo. I didn't ask for them. I just did what I had to do._  
_"They're going to fade over time," Donnie casually remarked turning back to his work.  
"How much time?" I replied, throwing my head back to stare at the ceiling.  
He didn't answer.  
My hope that this would ever get better died in those moments. _

There was nothing I could do to fix them.  
They were a part of me, they were the mark of what I had chosen to do for my brothers. And I'd go through being stabbed, almost dying, and having those uncomfortable stares on me an infinite amount of times again if it meant my family would be safe.  
That was all I've ever cared about, anyway.  
It was my greatest fear in life: losing my brothers because I failed to protect them.  
I loved them, and they loved me enough to race across town, battle the Shredder and their phobias, and fight against our own father because they felt it was in the better interest of my safety.  
And he never told me himself, but Mikey had told me what Raph had tried to do when they faced the Shredder that night.

***  
_It was almost one in the morning, and I was staring at the ceiling in my bedroom.  
When I was younger and first had gotten into Space Heroes, I wanted to be exactly like Captain Ryan: I wanted to explore the galaxies and see the universe's infinite beauty. That Christmas, "Santa" had gotten me glow in the dark wall stars, which I eagerly stuck to the ceiling of my bedroom, right over my bed. I felt like I was staring up into Space, and I would always tell myself one day I would become a hero.  
That was when I was seven. I never took them down, even after all these years.  
My door creaked open slowly as I lied on my bed.  
"Hey, Leo, you up?" Mikey whispered, peaking his head into my room.  
"I'm up," I told him.  
I heard my door close softly, and scooted over to the other side of my bed knowing he needed t talk. Seconds later, the right side of my bed dipped down as Mikey occupied the space next to me. I knew the conversation was going to be serious with how quiet he was being.  
And Mikey isn't one for serious conversations.  
We both lied there in silence for a few minutes, just staring up at the dim glowing stars on my ceiling. I was worried he had fallen asleep and thought about vacating to the couch in the living room when he finally spoke.  
"So are you like, okay and everything bro?" he asked quietly.  
I wasn't okay. I was far from it.  
I wasn't okay because I saw how badly Raph was reacting to what had happened, and it made me sick knowing that I couldn't help him. and believe me, I had been trying...  
"Of course," I replied.  
It was easier to lie.  
Mikey was silent again for a few moments. That was when I started to worry about him as well. Were all my brothers feeling the same way as Raph was about what had happened? Mikey was the one who had to give me blood...  
"Are you okay?" I asked him.  
"Yeah, I'm alright," he bit his lip. "I mean, I'm better now. It's just..."  
I turned my head to look at him when he paused. He didn't look at me.  
"Do you think Raph is okay?" he finally continued.  
Ice shot through my body. So I wasn't the only one who noticed...  
"Why do you ask?" I countered, not ready to answer a question I didn't actually have an answer to.  
"He just seems so angry lately, like more so than usual. You're closer to him than me or Donnie, I thought maybe he'd have talked to you about _it_."  
He had emphasized the word "it," and I didn't know if it was intentional or not.  
"_It_ being..." I prompted.  
"The whole deal with the Shredder and him staying behind while we got you back here," he sighed.  
What?  
I didn't move. I let Mikey's words sink into my brain, and tried to make sure I had heard them correctly. I knew I had, but I was completely in denial.  
I could stay behind and give up my life so that my brothers could get away. I couldn't imagine them doing the same for me...  
He finally turned to face me with a confused look on his face. Then something clicked, he realized what had happened.  
"Raph didn't tell you."  
It was more of a statement than a question.  
I shook my head slightly, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. I was starting to feel sick.  
"Tell me what happened," I said weakly, trying to swallow the bile that I felt rising in my throat.  
"I don't know if I should..." he said quietly. "I mean, maybe he doesn't want you to know and-"  
"Tell me what happened," I repeated with a little more force.  
I had never heard the full recollection of that night until that moment. 30% of that entire evening, I was conscious, but I could barely remember anything that happened. The other 70% I was completely out of my mind, alone in some dark world and inching unknowingly towards death.  
It was my brothers who made sure I stayed with them, in bother that world and the real one.  
With each new development Mikey had told me about, I began to withdraw further and further into myself. I had never imagined the night had been such hell for them.  
And when Mikey told me about how Raph willingly offered to stay behind while they could get me to safety...I couldn't breathe.  
We stayed there in silence until Mikey drifted off into sleep. I got up careful not to disturb him, and wandered out of my room. My eyes fell on Raph's door, closed.  
I stood there in front of it, raising my hand to knock just as Mikey did.  
There were thousands of words on my tongue, apologies and questions and everything in between.  
I felt like all the words would spill out of me the second I walked in there. If he was asleep, I would wake him up. He just...he had to hear what I had to say.  
My fist never connected with his door.  
I stood there like an idiot for a few minutes before I walked away, heading to the dojo for a sleepless night of training._

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU HIT LEO LIKE THAT?!" Raphael's insane screaming finally snapped me back to reality.  
How long had I been reflecting over the past few weeks...?  
I shook my head and refocused my brain on the situation at hand.  
Training session gone wrong, Raph tackling Mikey, none of us moving.  
"Raph, get off of him!" I finally found my lips, though my voice was not nearly as loud as I willed it to be.  
Maybe I was still in shock, or he just didn't hear me. Either way, he ignored me.  
"DID YOU FORGET EVERYTHING HE'S DONE FOR YOU?" He continued to scream in Mikey's face. "DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE FUCKING HIDEOUS **_SCARS_** HE CARRIES AROUND?"  
I winced. I knew he had problems seeing my _**scars**_, but he'd never used such a negative adjective to describe them. It hurt knowing that was how my brother really saw me, saw my marks.  
He saw them as something for me to be ashamed of, not something I could use to be proud of myself for. After all, the reasons I had them were pretty noble, if it were possible for me to say so without sounding vain.  
I was having such a hard time staying focused. I was fighting a battle within my head, trying to convince myself that my _**scars**_ were visible proof that I had saved my family and that I was the only one with marks.  
It was that moment when it hit me: Raph had _**scars**_ too.  
Not physical like mine, but emotional. His were worse than my own could ever be.  
"THEY'RE GOING TO BE THERE FOREVER, MIKEY, SO MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU WANNA TAKE LEO DOWN LIKE THAT, YOU'LL GIVE IT A FUCKING SECOND THOUGHT. IF YOU'RE EVEN CAPABLE OF THAT."  
_Right, yelling, gotta get Raph off Mikey_...  
"RAPHAEL," I shouted, finally reaching the volume I wanted earlier. "I SAID GET OFF OF MIKEY NOW."  
He didn't acknowledge me in anyway. His head turned and he fixed his gaze on Donnie.  
If looks could kill, I would have been scraping Donnie's corpse off of the ground...  
"AND YOU," Raph didn't let up at all. "IF YOUR SO FUCKING SMART, WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE THE FUCKING **_SCARS_** JUST GO AWAY? THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE TO SEE THEM AND BE CONSTANTLY REMINDED OF WHAT _HE_ FUCKING DID."  
I heard the way he emphasized "he" in his rampage, and I cringed.  
I had never intended for this to happen. I had never wanted Raph to hate me for whatI had done. I had only intended to protect him, but by doing so, I hurt him worse than Karai's - I refused to refer to her as Miwa in recalling this action - sword ever could have.  
I tried to focus on his eyes, but his movement drew my line of sight.  
And I realized he wasn't pointing at me.  
Raph was pointing to Master Splinter.  
_"Then I wouldn't have to see them and be constantly reminded of what _he _fucking did."_  
I opened my mouth trying to scream again, but nothing came out. I wanted to defend my father, because I understood why he did what he did. I understood that he never intended for any of the things that happened to me to happen. but Raph didn't. Nor did Donnie or Mikey.  
I wanted them to understand, but I couldn't.  
It wasn't my place to tell them why.  
It wasn't my place to tell them that Karai was Master Splinter's daughter.  
"HOW DOES IT FEEL, SENSEI?" Raph mocked him. "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO LOOK AT THOSE **_SCARS_** AND KNOW THAT YOU ARE AT FAULT FOR THEM? THAT YOU ALMOST LET YOUR SON DIE WITHOUT ANY HESITATION? BUT THEN AGAIN, LOSING FAMILY IS WHAT YOUR BEST AT RIGHT?"  
Every single one of us in the room had a different reaction to what Raph had said. Mikey visibly tensed underneath Raph's weight, his mouth hanging open in shock as tears continued to stream down his face. Donnie drew a sharp breath and said nothing, remaining as still as a statue. Master Splinter fell to his knees, unable to bear his son's words.  
And I was burning. So much anger exploded inside of me at Raph's comment.  
The entire time he'd been screaming, I'd told myself it was because he didn't know the truth. And he couldn't be blamed for not knowing the truth. But there was no excuse for what he had just said.  
And every cell in my body was a live wire.  
I threw myself at him. I used my weight to topple him off of Mikey and pinned him down.  
He needed to look at me and understand the severity of his words. He needed to know how wrong he was.  
I stared into his eyes with all the intensity that I felt, but he wasn't looking at my eyes.  
He was dead focused on my _**scars**_.  
I'd had enough of him not seeing me.  
"That. Is. Enough. Raphael." I told him, making each word drip from my mouth like acid.  
"No, Leo," he finally looked up to me. "It was enough when that bastard fucking disarmed you in the middle of a battle to save our enemy."  
I kept my expression grave, but in my mind, realization dawned on me.  
He carefully pushed me off of himself and looked down at me. He was calmer and his voice was significantly lower, but there was still so much hate in his tone.  
"And you're too much of an idiot to realize that that rat over there wanted you to fucking die. You're too obsessed with being the fucking perfect son, the fearless leader, to realize that.  
"Well, I hope your fucking **_scars_** can teach you that. I hope every time you see them, they'll remind you of what you can't fucking understand. That piece of shit over there was willing to let you die, and that your life is worthless to him."  
With that he stormed out of the room, and I watched him go. I didn't even try to stop him, because I knew what this was truly about.  
All of his words, they weren't for me. And no matter how many times he'd brought them up, his anger wasn't directed at my _**scars**_.  
No. At the heart of everything, he was mad at Master Splinter.  
My words to him that night when he finally came home and saw that I was alive...they meant nothing. His bow to Master Splinter when he left the room that night was nothing more than a mere act for me, to give me false reassurance that everything was okay so that I would heal faster.  
I turned around to see that Donnie and Mikey were looking at me, Sensei was looking down at the floor.  
I strode over to Mikey first, offering my hand down to him.  
"Are you okay Mikey?" I asked him as I pulled him up.  
"Y-yeah, I think," he stuttered. "I mean I'm not-he didn't actually hurt me...just freaked me out..."  
I nodded, understanding.  
Donnie finally composed himself (somewhat) and inspected Mikey to make sure he truly wasn't hurt.  
I found myself kneeling in front of on the ground, trying to get him to look at me.  
"Sensei, are you okay?" I asked him slowly.  
He didn't answer. He just raised his head to look into my eyes. And the sadness that flowed from them was painful, like I had been stabbed all over again.  
"Donatello, Michelangelo," I called, unable to look away yet satisfied with the steadiness of my voice. "Give us a minute, please."  
I heard them awkwardly shuffle out the dojo without any resistance.  
There was nothing but silence for the first few moments we were alone. I knew I needed to speak first, but I struggled to find the right words. What could I possibly say that would ever take this pain away?  
"Raph is...hurting," I said lamely.  
I wanted to slap myself in the face. What kind of start was that?  
"It would appear I have underestimated the amount of pain Raphael took from that night..." Sensei said.  
It was like he wasn't looking at me, but directly through me. It made me feel uncomfortable.  
There was uncomfortable silence in the dojo again. I knew what I had to say, so I took a deep breath.  
"You know he would never say that if he knew the truth, Sensei," I finally told him. "If they all did..."  
"No," Sensei hastily replied, looking away and shutting his eyes. "They are not ready to know."  
"Why not, Sensei?" I asked. "What if Donnie and Mikey are feeling the same way but not showing it? You don't deserve what just happened."  
I felt like this was their time to know. Now, more than ever, they needed to know the truth.  
It would save all of them so much hurt.  
"They are not ready," he simply repeated.  
"Then why was I ready when you told me?"  
He sighed, finally regaining the composure he'd lost, and turned back to face me.  
His eyes were now softer, but there was still pain in them.  
"You four are all vastly different in who you are," he began. "But there is something that sets you apart from all the rest, Leonardo. Your ability to see through people.  
"When your brothers first met Miwa, they took an instant disliking to her because of how she was raised, and because she bears the mark of the Foot Clan. You may try to argue that perhaps given the circumstances of their first meeting with her, it was justified, and that there may have been a different outcome had their first meet been different. I wholeheartedly do not believe that is so. I believe that the moment they met her, even if it had not been due to your former infatuation with her, they still would have detested her. You however did not.  
"You believe in the good nature that lives within everyone. You, my son, have a rare gift: the ability to hope for the best in all people. You saw good in Karai and you never gave up on that, even before you knew she was my daughter.  
"Because your brothers have grown rather...indifferent towards her with all that she has done, especially to you, I feel as though revealing it to them now would make it all the more difficult to accept that she is my daughter. I fear that there may never be a truly opportune moment, but this is most certainly not the time to reveal it either."  
I considered his words and knew he was right. Just like always...  
"Hai, Sensei..." I said sadly, unsure of how to approach the problem again.  
Raph needed help, but how could I help him when I couldn't tell him the truth?  
I heard timid footsteps enter the dojo and my eyes shot towards Donnie's distraught figure. I desperately scanned his face, looking for any signs of him having heard our conversation.  
There were no obvious signs that he had, but something was desperately wrong.  
It hit me that the expression he wore was one of terror and worry.  
"What is it, Donnie?" I asked, standing up to face him.  
"It's Raph..." he said shakily. "He's...gone."  
I blinked repeatedly, praying that I had heard him wrong.

* * *

**Hey all! If you're reading this story, two things: one, thank you so much for supporting my work! It means a lot to me!  
Second, sorry about the very belated update. School has been kicking my ass these past few weeks, I literally have had no free time to write. But now I'm more into a routine so the next story update won't take as long. I promise!  
As always, you can read this story and more on my tumblr, All-Things-TMNT! =]**


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